{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Carpe DM
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial