Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I told my vodka about you.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob