Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
You Might Also Like
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
The Book. The Movie.