The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
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A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am