Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
You Might Also Like
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*