I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
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Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I’ve been drinking.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!