I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”