Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”