Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
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whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.