Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?