Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
there鈥檚 no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don鈥檛 have to meet with their teachers.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
I can鈥檛 make everyone happy, I鈥檓 not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 馃憦For 馃憦Help 馃憦
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Don鈥檛 let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I鈥檓 pretty sure that鈥檚 when my arms got flabby.
Farmer: You鈥檇 like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
10-year old son: How鈥檚 it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
And now we wait
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway