[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
They got Raph!
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Not helping
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball