I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born