My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.