Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
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I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”