Google reviews are always so mixed..
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omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
About to go for a run, because shoplifting