me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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Chicago sounds lovely.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
cry laughing at this shit
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
motivation
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12