him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
excuse me
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan