Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
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all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT