Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
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My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free