over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
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My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.