As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Dune (2021)
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess