If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
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You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again