If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”