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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My daily affirmation
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.