WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Vodka burrito was a success
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge