I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!