Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.