You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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Thrilling chase underway
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Just a bush.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Uh oh…
This took me a second..
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?