What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
The first one, obviously
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell