me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*