Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
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Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*