Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
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ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My brain is a bad influence on me
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒