My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
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[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it