Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet