I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”