Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
How your email finds me
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end