Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
This 4th of July, please remember…
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Still my favourite meme.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.