Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.