My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
You Might Also Like
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married