If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
me after eating Cheetos
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’