so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
sigh
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.