You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?