[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Worst perfume name ever.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*