therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
All. The. Damn. Time.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Here’s a meme
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought