[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.