HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
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So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
God, I love Scotland
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Brilliant!
c’mon!
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”