Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 馃槧
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny鈥檚 for setting off firecrackers.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it鈥檚 much more prestigious than a pay raise.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they鈥檙e calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I鈥檓 a genius)
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
wanted: shr枚dingers cat
dead and alive
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 馃槀
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down