#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.