Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
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Check your privilege
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Speak now or ever hold your peace
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
his wife is probably gonna see that
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Going to church you guys need anything
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago